I Love You, F4ggot!
by Il Cattivo
Summary: Slash, RLSB There's a V-Day ball at Hogwarts, and Remus is peeved about Sirius not taking him. But Sirius has a trick up his sleeve! Rated T for some mild language and homophobic attitude.


A/N: Seeing as it's Valentine's Day, I thought I'd do a fic that is a bit less angsty than my other stuff :D Now, I wrote this little number for all you secret lovers out there... Hopefully, this will inspire you to be O&P (out and proud)! Not betaread, cos I can't be arsed. PS: Simply _must_ be enjoyed to The Jesus and Mary Chain's "Just Like Honey" :)

SUMMARY: In the Marauders' sixth year, there's a ball at Hogwarts. Remus is pissed off about Sirius not taking him...but Sirius has a plan (sorry, I suck at doing summaries).

DISCLAIMER: Not mine...never has been, never will be. All rights reserved JKR, that lucky hoebag!

WARNING: Very fluffy slash, mild language, and some homophobic cuss words. Nothing you lot can't deal with, eh?

* * *

**"I love you, faggot"**

They had just had a morning quickie in the dormitory, and now Remus and Sirius were heading down to the Great Hall to join their friends for breakfast. Not a single word had been exchanged between them since they'd left Gryffindor Tower - Remus had turned a bit cross after Sirius had, as they'd stepped out of their dorm, let go of his hand. Remus was sick of always having to sneak around, and had told Sirius so after their swift liasion in the dorm. Sirius, for his part, had merely made a feeble excuse, which only served to aggravate his boyfriend further.

At the beginning of their relationship, Remus had thought it quite exciting to have a secret lover... But now, three years into their still unofficial relationship, it just felt ridiculous and undignified. It felt _unnatural._ When was Sirius going to openly acknowledge their relationship?

The two boys both stopped in their tracks when they saw that a crowd of people had formed at the Great Hall's entrance.

"What's this, then?" Sirius said as he made his way over to the crowd, glad for the diversion.

On the wall hang an announcement:

_**Hogwarts Valentine Ball**_

_On February 14th - Valentine's Day - Hogwarts School of  
Witchcraft and Wizardry will be hosting a ball. The ball will  
start at seven o'clock in the evening, and is to last until  
midnight. There will be served food and drinks before the  
dance starts. And, as it is a Valentine's Dance, you will all need  
partners.  
Dress robes are mandatory._

_Hoping you'll all enjoy the evening and have a happy Day of Hearts,  
- Headmaster A. Dumbledore_

"So, who are you thinking about taking?" Remus asked his boyfriend in an edgy voice, not bothering to conceal his bitter feelings.

* * *

It was nearly seven o' clock on the eve of February 14th, and Remus was scowling at his boyfriend over the dinner table. Granted, Sirius _had_ sent him a Valentine that morning - as an excuse, Remus supposed - but that just wasn't enough. What with the ball being such a great opportunity to announce their relationship to the rest of the school, he'd kind of been hoping that Sirius would come to his senses and actually ask _him_ to the ball... But no such luck. Sirius had opted to go with Christine Yorke, a tall, lean fifth year Gryffindor with long, blond curls. And what was worse, he'd talked Remus into taking her friend, Marlene McKinnon. 

It wasn't the fact that it was Marlene that ticked him off like that - she was alright enough, thought Remus - it was merely the fact that it wasn't _Sirius._

Remus kept poking at his potatoes with a fork, and started listing pros and cons in his head about splitting up with his boyfriend.

* * *

The dance had been going on for a couple of hours now, and both Remus and Sirius had had a few rounds on the dance floor with their respective dates. But now, Remus had to sit down. He was tired - and, quite frankly, too angry to dance. He'd been watching Sirius having fun with Christine all night, and he could feel himself getting angrier and angrier by the hour... _Hurt_, too. And Marlene must have noticed, because she, too, was turning a little cranky. 

"Alright, Remus?" Marlene said as they took a seat next to each other by the punch table. "You look a bit glum."

"Oh, I'm fine," Remus lied.

"Me too," Marlene lied back.

The pair both sat slumped on their chairs, looking over at all the happy dancers. When the music stopped in favour of an announcement from the Headmaster, Remus decided that he'd had enough, and got out of his seat.

"I'm sorry, Marlene, but I'm going to have to cut the night short," he told his date, who actually didn't look at all disappointed. "I'm really tired - forgive me?"

"Sure, Remus," she said with an understanding smile. "But aren't you going to stay and hear what Sirius has to say?"

"What?"

Marlene nodded towards the stage, where Sirius had suddenly appeared in front of the microphone. The whole school were cheering and cat-calling - all except for a few hardcore Slytherins, who were booing and hissing.

"Oh... Naw, I can't be arsed," Remus said, ready to leave. "You can tell me what happened tomorrow or something. Cheers!"

The crowd was still cheering at Sirius while Remus slowly made his way across the Great Hall, heading for the exit.

"Thank you, thank you," yelled Sirius through the cheers. "Yes... Thank you... Okay, you can shut up now."

Sirius cleared his throat.

"This being the day of hearts and all," Sirius began, a bit shakily. "I'd like to extend an invitation to a person who holds a very special place in mine."

Just as he'd reached the exit, Remus hesitated.

"This is a person who has put up with a lot of shit from me over the years... For example, my not wanting to openly acknowledge our relationship. And I'd like to make it up to him tonight."

Remus turned to see Sirius looking straight at him. Everybody's eyes were now bugging out of their sockets, and a low buzz sounded from the befuddled crowd. Only a few words could be made out through the noise - "Did he just say _'him'_?"

"Remus," the boy on the stage started, his arm reaching out as an invitation. "Will you share the next dance with me?"

Remus couldn't believe his own ears. Had James been spiking the punch with something?

"Please?" Sirius begged.

The crowd was on egde now and held their breath, save for a few Slytherins, who were shouting a range of rather homophobic words at the two Marauders. James, however, was giving Sirius the thumbs up, and Dumbledore smiled knowingly... Even Christine seemed pleased, for some reason.

To his own surprise, Remus found that being propositioned for a dance like this was not at all embarrassing, like he'd thought it would be - it was just, well, _romantic!_ So he made his way back into the centre of the Great Hall as Sirius jumped off the stage and did the same. They met in the middle of the circle that the crowd had now formed, both stopping about a foot from each other.

"You planned this," Remus said, a smirk playing on his lips. "Didn't you, you prick?"

"Of course," Sirius said. "Thought it'd be boring if I just asked you to go with me... I kinda wanted to make a spectacle out of it."

"I bet you did... But what if I'd walked off before you got to make that speech?"

"I was ready to take that risk."

Remus chuckled.

"You know, at dinner today I was trying to remind myself why I even bother with you... Well, I guess you've just reminded me."

Sirius grinned.

"May I have this dance?" he said, extending his hand.

"What do you think, you idiot?" Remus said, taking his boyfriend's hand.

The music started back up, and a fair few of the Hogwarts students erupted into cheers and clapping, some in laughter, some of the girls started crying - most of them because of the realization that the most eligible bachelor in the school was bent - while some booed and yelled "Fucking poufs!" All this, Remus and Sirius had been counting on. Now, what they _hadn't_ been expecting, however, was that Christine and Marlene now got up and joined each other in a dance.

"Hey, would you look at that," Sirius said, still dancing.

"Eh?"

Sirius twirled Remus around so that he could see the two girls dancing cheek to cheek, both with happy smiles on their faces.

"What the- _Christine and Marlene?!"_

"You didn't know?" Sirius said. "I thought it was obvious."

"So that's why she was grumpy... I had no idea!"

"Your gaydar sucks, Moony. But you know, that's why I took Christine to the ball - I knew she wouldn't try and grope me or anything."

"I guess I should thank you for setting me up with Marlene, then... Territorial bastard."

"Thank me later, babe," Sirius said, squeezing Remus's behind.

"Behave!"

To their further surprise, a number of other secretly gay couples joined them in dancing - to name some: Johnny Dorset, the fifth year seeker on Ravenclaw's Quidditch team, and his housemate, Alexander Moran; fellow Gryffindor Ewan Bridges, a fourth year, and his boyfriend Julien Todd from Hufflepuff; a seventh year Ravenclaw prefect called Siobhan O'Malley and her Hufflepuff girlfriend Donna Marshall, who was also a prefect.

But there weren't only gays on the dance floor by now... Other secret couples had decided to come out, too, like Slytherins who were secretly seeing people from other houses - the Slytherins dating Gryffindors, in particular, were a bit hesitant - or popular girls and boys who were secretly dating nerds. Even Lily pulled James to the dance floor, ditching her previous dancing partner.

"I actually do kinda like you, Pott- I mean, _James_."

"I knew it!" James yelled, beaming.

The ones who had no secret girlfriend or boyfriend just stood there in shock. Seeing their friends outing themselves - whether it be as gays and lesbians, house traitors or nerd-fanciers - seemed to be too much for some of them. A few of the students even left the Great Hall in disgust, and Sirius and Remus could hear them yelling "Bloody faggots!"

"Isn't this just what you were dreading?" Remus asked his now _official_ boyfriend.

"What, being called names?"

Remus nodded.

"It's totally worth it, though," Sirius said, resting his head against his boyfriend's. "I love you, faggot."

"I love you too, you poufter."

And so, the two cocksucking buttpirates from Gryffindor House danced the night away.

**END :D**

* * *

A/N: ..I must say, I'm a bit proud! Also, I dunno if you all get it, but **that last line there is meant to _take the piss_ out of homophobia - not _inspire _it.** (I kinda thought people got that just from reading the title, seeing as it is in fact the general idea of the entire fic...but oh well :P) Hope you all liked it, and Happy V-Day :D 


End file.
